Complaining #1

Ya know, I do judge myself too harshly when I'm doing work. I'm too afraid to start something new most of the time because it usually takes forever to get done, I keep on putting it off because I'm not that interested in it anymore, or I'm just not that interested. I know I shouldn't say "just", but what other choice of wording is there anyway to say something as plain as it can be, ya know what I mean? You could say "this is plain not interesting" or something, but that wouldn't sound right in either talking or in writing. Anyway, back to me judging myself. I think I rarely give myself a pat on the back once in awhile and need somebody to do it for me. It's not easy being so reliable on people when you're a big thinker and have so much going through your mind. That sounded like redundancy, which is basically repeating the same idea at least once in a sentence. It gets really annoying after you've seen it over and over again. I hate that I still think when writing, something always has to be perfect. I feel like it will always be too much for me to handle because I feel like it takes forever to come up with a good beginning. I'm trying to just start, but then I still have to keep in mind what I'm writing about and how I'm going to execute a project. I don't like long-term projects either because I don't know how to plan my time accordingly. My option is either to try and get it done all at once or wait until the very end (which altogether is wrong). I always keep everything in mind, but I always need help with the execution. The reason: insecurity. I have pretty major insecurity when it comes to schoolwork.

Dating back to elementary school, I would always try and do the work myself without getting help from the teacher, even though people saw how much I was struggling. I would sometimes cry over a question if I didn't know how to do it. That compared to kindergarten when I didn't care if I didn't get it and needed help with "everything". Haha, I remember one time my teacher had enough and would promise to give me stickers if I did one worksheet, which I don't think I ever did. I feel like I'm even over thinking my complaining right now because I'm searching for the right thing to complain about. I really need to become more looser with myself because I know that's not what everybody expects of me. It's hard when you're in such a competitive school where everybody's checking grades with each other on a quiz that won't even matter in the next month, unless you're planning on doing that subject for the rest of your career. If you have made a decision already and if you don't do well on some test, then you either need to choose something else to focus on or you got a lot to learn, my friend!

Another thing that is semi-connected to school is I haven't got invited to any other parties until except throughout elementary, the end of 8th grade, and before I joined STAC. I guess it was because I never found that connection with certain people in my grade. It was usually hard to do that. I agree with the fact that education progresses more difficultly as you get older, but that only depends on the choices you make. Up to this point in my life, I feel like I made the right decision with most of the right teachers following that. I won't disclose any names because it's pretty personal. I've definitely changed from middle school to high school in terms of taking the easy way out in terms of getting work done and making friends to hang out with. I got my struggles, but I only take help from people I trust. Sorry, I feel like I'm just blabbering on. Sometimes, I don't know where to stop in writing something because I think there's a difference between feeling something is done and having it actually be complete. I'm still working on that with writing assignments and I hope it gets better in the future.